Principle Two: Gain the Support of your Subconscious Mind

The second principle is all about getting your active and passive thoughts on the same page. You will never succeed at achieving your heart's desires if your subconscious brain is sabotaging your efforts with negative background noise. I know this all too well, that negative voice in the back of my head that tell me "I can't." It tells me "I'm fat. I'm unworthy of the effort. I don't deserve success." Well this chapter was all about how to change that inner voice.

The most profound idea I gained from this chapter was that the subconscious is a "yes man" it agrees with whatever you repeatedly tell it. So I have to change how I talk to myself in order to get my subconscious on board. When your conscious desires and your subconscious beliefs align then miracles can happen in your life and you can achieve what you set your focus on. One of the most powerful ways to change that inner voice is through positive affirmations. I used affirmations regularly when I lost weight last time. When I was working out I would look in the mirror and repeat phrases like, "I AM healthy. I AM strong. I workout with ease." I would tell myself that I loved working out and the feeling of my heart pounding and sweat forming on the back of my neck, and I would tell myself that this is the feeling of being alive and in the moment. It worked. It really did make the hard days in the beginning much easier and I actually started to look forward to working out, every opportunity I got. I started working out just 30 minutes every other day, then I started working out nearly every day, and doing zumba and yoga classes several times a week. I, me, fat girl my whole life, never takes the stairs. I was a gym rat. Then.....

Well then I stopped losing weight. I hit a plateau and those negative subconscious thought crept back in and sabotaged me. I starting telling myself I couldn't do it, that I wasn't good enough, that no matter what I do I will never be thin....and well guess what? I gained all the weight back. This time around I feel much more awake, much more aware, of the pitfalls, and I am equipping myself with the spiritual tools to persevere. That is why I am reading this book. 

In this chapter, the workbook section has you write down you beliefs ( good or bad, positive or negative without censoring) about topics like: Success, Money, Health, Adventure, Creativity, Spiritual Peace, and Love. I found that I hold very negative thoughts about success, money, and adventure. Basically settling on these are things I don't deserve, they aren't me, and I'll never be good enough. When it came to writing about creativity, spiritual peace, and love I was all positive, seeing them as pure energy and light and guidance. After this exercise the book prompts you to write a song or mantra about your new beliefs. I decided to combine mantra/song/poem all in one. Here is mine.

I believe I am healthy. I am strong. I am wise. 

I connect with my spirit and remove my disguise. 

I let the world see my heart; bare my soul to the skies. 

I believe I am beautiful. I am perfect in my eyes. 

I put myself first because my love is what I deserve. 

I am worthy of a life full or passion, exploration, connection and trust. 

I am worthy of my love. 

I believe. 

On the next page is a negative belief ritual buster where I wrote down all the negative things my subconscious has held onto and the stories I have told myself that have kept me from reaching my desires. Things like "I can't do it. I will always be fat. I am too introverted and self conscious to step outside my comfort zone and take the necessary risks. If I do I will fail. I have shame and guilt and anger that is holding me back." and so on.  I then lit a candle and burned some sweet grass (this is not code for weed lol, it is really sweet grass like burning sage.) I said out loud and with passion and force that I am releasing these negative thought patterns and they will no longer control me. They are being replaced with my new empowering beliefs. I let the smoke from the sweet grass wash over the page with it's filthy words and imagined the power of them washing burning to ash and wafting away. 

Lastly, I made little one way arrows to place around my house, car and body that have positive affirmations on them to remind myself and reinforce positive messages in my mind.  They say things like " I am healthy." I am connected to my body" " I am divine perfection." "I love myself" and "I am successful." I took a picture of them and saved them as the screen saver on my phone. I'm feeling pretty good right now, like I am arming myself with the weapons I will need to end this war I have had with myself my entire life. 

Principle One: Bringing Your Dream into Focus

The first principle of the book is all about bringing your dream into focus. How can we get what we want out of life if we don't even know what we want or, more importantly, WHO WE ARE. Yes, you have to know your true self or at least feel her to find your heart's desire. I went through a breakup about 7 years ago and I did the soul searching, I found that inner peace, that happiness that exists independent of anything else, I connected to my spirit and started to discover some of the secrets to life and enlightenment. No, I am not enlightened, but I am wise, and I say that with no ego or expectation. It is something I know, deep down in my soul. I know I am wise. I know that all the answers I need exist inside myself. I feel a connection to my spirit, the issue is I don't take the time to water the garden of my soul. I don't take the time to grow and nurture my most vital connection to spirit, and so that is what I am setting out to do now. 

This chapters tells us that "desire directs focus.." and that "whatever you clearly focus on you create." It's more than just the power of positive thinking, it is intentionally directing your focus to vividly and in great detail imagine what your heart desires. If you can see it then you can achieve it. The more colorful and alive your dream is the more likely you will be to attain it. I used to think, " I want to be skinny. I want to own a house. I want to have money saved." Now I fully envision those desires. 

I imagine myself 125lbs lighter, and I am at a Mariner's game and it's a little too warm, but just perfect for the ball park. I am wearing cutoff jean shorts and a Mariners t shirt with a baseball cap and my long hair in a pony tail coming out the back of the cap. I see myself, slender, fitting easily into the seat. There is no shame when I have to get up and everyone else has to stand up to let me out the row and I'm not worried about if I'm too big to fit in front of these men as I head toward the isle. I know I fit, with ease. My skin is tanned and my freckles are pronounced, thanks to the sun exposure. My shoulders are slender and my legs look really long in these cut off shorts. I'm not hiding my stomach or my arms or myself. I am happy, my team is winning, and I'm eating garlic fries with no guilt as to who is seeing my eat or shame for being fat and enjoying food. I am a healthy weight. 

I no longer just say "I want to own a house." I can see the house I want to own in such great detail that sometimes I wonder if I've already been there or seen it in a dream. It is secluded from neighbors, somewhere outside the city maybe a 30 minute drive, not too far. It's a one story house with a wrap around porch. To the right there is a small lake, not big enough for a motor boat, but certainly for a paddle board or to swim in during the summer. To the right is the barn, and I have a small farm of just rescued animals. a pig, a donkey, a cow, some chickens, and 2 goats. My 2 dogs love to chase to chickens, and our cat lays on the porch railing just watching them in disgust. The driveway is gravel, and the house isn't visible from the main road. Surrounded by evergreens and wildflowers. To enter the french front doors you walk up 4 wide steps, and enter into one great room, the heart of the house. The ceilings are open and vaulted with beams. In the back left corner is the kitchen, with a large island, and a colorful mosaic backsplash just above the stove. In the back right is the long natural wood table that seats 10, it's huge, almost like a picnic table and a beautiful bouquet of peonies sits right in the middle. When you first walk in the door, to the left is the family room, a big comfy couch with lounge chairs and ottomans and big TV screen, to the right is another seating area lined with built in bookshelves that hold all my books, and the perfect reading nook. Also, there is a long desk next to the window with my laptop and notes. There are 2 hallways, one off the right side of the main living area, and the other off the left side. To the right are all the guest bedrooms. 4 rooms to be exact and 2 baths. To the right is the master suite with a stand alone tub and a large window and a beautiful plush bed. Behind the kitchen is access to the basement, where we have a media and game room. That is where we watch movies as a family, play video games, and watch Seahawk games. 

I see this house clear as day, it is as if I already live there. I think that is the point of principle one, to focus your attention and intention and the universe will respond in miraculous ways. If you are confused about your desire or what to focus on this chapter is great in helping you prioritize your dreams and express your true and immediate wants. Now even though I can envision my house, what I found after going through the work book section of the first principle is that I have more immediate needs that my heart desires first. The book asks you to rank your desires in order of priority and provides a list of 10 areas of focus. 

Here is my rank:
1. Health and Body
2. Creative Expression
3. Spiritual
4. Work
5. Relationships
6. Finances
7. Home
8. Travel/ Adventure
9. Special Intention
10. Possessions

Clearly home is #7 on the list, so I will address that at one point and it can't hurt to bring it into focus now, but I have more pressing desires and they are health and body, creative expression, and spirituality.  

Chapter one ends by directing you in a meditation, it's very simple: find a quiet place, direct your attention inward, focus on your breath and ask your higher self " What is it that I desire now?" You are to let the thoughts and feelings come without judgement and after 10 minutes or so, write down your 3 current desires. I was immediately flooded with words and feelings, love, healing, creativity, forgiveness, love of myself, healing from old wounds, creative connection. Connection, growth, peace, love, love, love, creativity, connection to others, forgiveness of others, forgiveness of self. The words kept flashing into my mind, and by the time my mediation was over I was left with 3 very clear desires. 

I Makayla Grisham, use the full power of my intention and attention to create the following desires now:
1. Love myself though caring for my mind, body, and spirit. 
2. Healing old wound through acceptance and forgiveness of myself and others. 
3. Creative connection through blogging my journey and writing open letter to those I feel have hurt me. 

Stay tuned...... 

Why Now?

We are 10 days into 2018, and I approached this year with a renewed sense of purpose and focus. I spent much of 2017 apathetic about myself. I gained back the 85lbs I had lost in 2016, and reached a point of just not giving a fuck. Of course, I do give a fuck. I felt awful, hated myself, was uncomfortable in my body, and all the poor healthy symptoms I had worked so hard to rid myself of just a year ago were all returning.

What lead me to make lifestyle changes in 2016 was a combination of things, feeling completely out of control in my own life. I felt like bad stuff just kept happening to me, and like I had no say in it. I was diagnosed with diabetes at age 29, I was weighing more than 300lbs, living paycheck to paycheck and by all account, asleep at the wheel of my own life. I have always been over weight. I remember being 12 years old and getting on the scale in my grandma's back bathroom and seeing that I weighed 210lbs. Did I mention I was 12? 

I have used food to comfort myself, as a way to make my life feel more exciting, and well in place of love. I rewarded myself with food. "I deserve this big mac and fries because my life is so hard." or "it's a beautiful day, I feel great! I should have a redbull and funyuns and a butterfinger because that would make this day THAT much better!". I would obsess over food, often falling asleep at night thinking about what I was going to eat for breakfast the next day (SPOILER ALERT!!! It was McDonald's breakfast..sausage mcmuffin with 2 hashbrowns and a medium coke) There were days when every single meal I ate was fast food. It gave me something to look forward too, but I was always ashamed. When the people started recognizing me at the drive through and knowing that I would ask for salt and pepper and just put it in my bag... I was ashamed. I would even go to a different Mcdonalds so as to avoid being viewed as a "regular". 

I realize just now as I write this that, what I was getting from the food wasn't the love, it was the shame. The shame is what I needed to perpetuate the shame and guilt I have felt for most of my life. The guilt of being the victim of sexual abuse. Whoa...I know I sprung that on you. I don't like to tell people about what happened to me as a child, but since I know it is a huge part of what is imprisoning my life force as an adult it will be a large part of this blog and my journey to self love. 

I have had periods in my life where I have been laser focused on self improvement. I have lose 95lbs and my gallbladder by crash dieting using HCG drops and eating only 500 calories a day for 5 months. Needless to say, I gained all that weight back. Most recently in 2016, I thought I had finally found the recipe for lifelong success. I had a man that loved and supported me unconditionally, he would go to the gym with me every other night for 30 minutes, and that set off a chain of positive changes in my life. I went vegetarian in April of 2016, after fighting myself my entire life about eating meat. I never really liked meat, it had to be boneless skinless chicken or well done burger patty, but what it really was, was that I was denying what I knew to be a universal truth. That all life is equally precious and valuable. I love animals, and I don't know how I could say that and still eat meat. The only explanation was that I was lying to myself. I was telling myself that a dog was different from a cow, when it isn't. They both have value, they both have souls, they both feel pain, they both want to live and love their young. So becoming vegetarian for me, while something I always thought I wanted to do, once I made the choice, I haven't looked back. 

It has been nearly 2 years of being vegetarian, and now I feel the pull to go vegan, and I feel I will. Once I chose to be vegetarian, it was the easiest thing I had ever done. It's like I never ate meat. I don't miss burgers (veggie burgers are the bomb!) I don't miss bacon or chicken or pepperoni pizza. None of it. So anyway, I went vegetarian and started doing group workouts like Zumba and Yoga at my gym, and everything was going great. Then....my favorite lunch place shut down, and I got thrown from my routine, and my gym got bought out and the fitness classes ended, and I had to switch to a larger less personal gym and didn't feel like I fit in. Once I stopped losing weight for like a month, I started eating crap again, and guess what??!!! stopped going to the gym. 

My boyfriend got a new job that was very taxing on his time and energy, and he no longer could go with me to the gym, so then I had to chose between time with him watching tv at night or going to the gym. I chose him. After all, I am a martyr, it's like my specialty. I lost 85lbs the right way over 2016, but gained it all back in 2017. 

So that takes us to now....here I am, at work cleaning up my storage room and this book, literally falls down and hits me on the head. It is called "Your Heart's Desire" by Sonia Choquette, Ph.D ( I'm giving her that Ph. D. because she earned that shit!). I read the first chapter over the last 2 weeks, it says to really take your time and absorb the material so that is what I am doing. Today I got the end of the first principle and did the guided meditation, which lead me to start this blog. I will talk about the principles in the book and how they relate to my life and use this blog as my creative connection to fulfilling my heart's desire.