Why Now?

We are 10 days into 2018, and I approached this year with a renewed sense of purpose and focus. I spent much of 2017 apathetic about myself. I gained back the 85lbs I had lost in 2016, and reached a point of just not giving a fuck. Of course, I do give a fuck. I felt awful, hated myself, was uncomfortable in my body, and all the poor healthy symptoms I had worked so hard to rid myself of just a year ago were all returning.

What lead me to make lifestyle changes in 2016 was a combination of things, feeling completely out of control in my own life. I felt like bad stuff just kept happening to me, and like I had no say in it. I was diagnosed with diabetes at age 29, I was weighing more than 300lbs, living paycheck to paycheck and by all account, asleep at the wheel of my own life. I have always been over weight. I remember being 12 years old and getting on the scale in my grandma's back bathroom and seeing that I weighed 210lbs. Did I mention I was 12? 

I have used food to comfort myself, as a way to make my life feel more exciting, and well in place of love. I rewarded myself with food. "I deserve this big mac and fries because my life is so hard." or "it's a beautiful day, I feel great! I should have a redbull and funyuns and a butterfinger because that would make this day THAT much better!". I would obsess over food, often falling asleep at night thinking about what I was going to eat for breakfast the next day (SPOILER ALERT!!! It was McDonald's breakfast..sausage mcmuffin with 2 hashbrowns and a medium coke) There were days when every single meal I ate was fast food. It gave me something to look forward too, but I was always ashamed. When the people started recognizing me at the drive through and knowing that I would ask for salt and pepper and just put it in my bag... I was ashamed. I would even go to a different Mcdonalds so as to avoid being viewed as a "regular". 

I realize just now as I write this that, what I was getting from the food wasn't the love, it was the shame. The shame is what I needed to perpetuate the shame and guilt I have felt for most of my life. The guilt of being the victim of sexual abuse. Whoa...I know I sprung that on you. I don't like to tell people about what happened to me as a child, but since I know it is a huge part of what is imprisoning my life force as an adult it will be a large part of this blog and my journey to self love. 

I have had periods in my life where I have been laser focused on self improvement. I have lose 95lbs and my gallbladder by crash dieting using HCG drops and eating only 500 calories a day for 5 months. Needless to say, I gained all that weight back. Most recently in 2016, I thought I had finally found the recipe for lifelong success. I had a man that loved and supported me unconditionally, he would go to the gym with me every other night for 30 minutes, and that set off a chain of positive changes in my life. I went vegetarian in April of 2016, after fighting myself my entire life about eating meat. I never really liked meat, it had to be boneless skinless chicken or well done burger patty, but what it really was, was that I was denying what I knew to be a universal truth. That all life is equally precious and valuable. I love animals, and I don't know how I could say that and still eat meat. The only explanation was that I was lying to myself. I was telling myself that a dog was different from a cow, when it isn't. They both have value, they both have souls, they both feel pain, they both want to live and love their young. So becoming vegetarian for me, while something I always thought I wanted to do, once I made the choice, I haven't looked back. 

It has been nearly 2 years of being vegetarian, and now I feel the pull to go vegan, and I feel I will. Once I chose to be vegetarian, it was the easiest thing I had ever done. It's like I never ate meat. I don't miss burgers (veggie burgers are the bomb!) I don't miss bacon or chicken or pepperoni pizza. None of it. So anyway, I went vegetarian and started doing group workouts like Zumba and Yoga at my gym, and everything was going great. Then....my favorite lunch place shut down, and I got thrown from my routine, and my gym got bought out and the fitness classes ended, and I had to switch to a larger less personal gym and didn't feel like I fit in. Once I stopped losing weight for like a month, I started eating crap again, and guess what??!!! stopped going to the gym. 

My boyfriend got a new job that was very taxing on his time and energy, and he no longer could go with me to the gym, so then I had to chose between time with him watching tv at night or going to the gym. I chose him. After all, I am a martyr, it's like my specialty. I lost 85lbs the right way over 2016, but gained it all back in 2017. 

So that takes us to now....here I am, at work cleaning up my storage room and this book, literally falls down and hits me on the head. It is called "Your Heart's Desire" by Sonia Choquette, Ph.D ( I'm giving her that Ph. D. because she earned that shit!). I read the first chapter over the last 2 weeks, it says to really take your time and absorb the material so that is what I am doing. Today I got the end of the first principle and did the guided meditation, which lead me to start this blog. I will talk about the principles in the book and how they relate to my life and use this blog as my creative connection to fulfilling my heart's desire.